IT (2017) - REVIEW

Monsters come in many forms, as does fear. Isolation, the supernatural, stumbling below expectations can scare us and come to be our demons. These uncertainties claw their way through the frames of IT—figuratively and literally as nothing is sacred and no one is safe. The necessity of dependable friendships is the only refuge from the naked terror that Pennywise and the children’s parents put them through. Morphing real-life horror with unexplained, other-worldly menace, they challenge the ragtag group of friends dubbed “The Loser’s Club” at every turn.

The story of IT has been imprinted in the American zeitgeist and young children’s minds. It surrounds bullied young outcasts as they deal with the underlying evil of their seemingly tranquil small town Derry, Maine. But billowing from beneath this suburban town is a conspiracy of murder, destruction and missing children—more so than any other town nearby. The gang of kids are forced investigate the source of the menace when one of their own, Bill, kid brother Georgie goes missing. The kids decide if the adults aren’t going to quell the evil within, they must try, and embark on an adventure of ramshackle houses, sewer pipes and strange phantoms as they confront their greatest personal terrors.

When I first saw the trailer for IT I thought it looked great but unsustainable. There have been plenty of trailers for horror films that build up expectations and promptly jam a sharp middle finger up in the air, replacing directorial patience with jump-scares. This film does not. It takes it’s time to develop characters, shape tension, and probe questions about undiscovered fear—real and abstract. The monsters in the film become anything we don’t want to approach—the stranger lurking in the blackness, the abusive father or overbearing mother, or losing a loved one--and our inability to combat these fears will only cripple our growth and nourish our demons. That is not to say the film is not a complete masterpiece. I have minor quibbles with the overuse of score and sound effects to emphasize scares and I blame that mainly on the time in which it has been released than the fault of the filmmaker's, however, it does not completely ruin the film.

Eyeful direction, multifaceted performances, and authentic relationships are carefully earned, dragging IT from the gutter of mainstream horror that often plagues theaters to set it apart. The real standout performer of the gang is Sophia Lillis as Beverly who has a lot of dramatic baggage to shoulder and gives a nuanced performance. The torture of adolescence throughout shares more with Stand By Me—although severely more grisly child murder—than something like Texas Chainsaw as you learn to care for these outcasts. You are inadvertently adopted as another member into The Loser’s Club, rooting for them to prevail over their adolescent woes, their abusive parents and impalpable supernatural evil.

Where sloppier films devolve into a series of disconnected cheap scares, IT uses inspired imagery to challenge characters while simultaneously adding to their development as people. Genuine dialogue and humor swell complexity among The Loser’s Club, elevating a film from slasher to a more nuanced, almost Spielbergian coming-of-age adventure film. The love for eighties nostalgia floods this film (originally set in the 50’s in the novel) and allows for fresh places to be explored. This renewed retelling of the IT mythology unearths surprises for those familiar with the novel, leaving plenty to discover, while still retaining its emotional core with characters that are likable and feel like real people. IT is an engaging, thrilling and more often fun retelling of the classic Stephen King tale and one of the best adaptations of his works.

5 SUMMER MOVIES TO HELP YOU COOL OFF

Lather on the sunblock, crank the a/c and soak up the rays of bedroom light-bulbs with these five summertime movies to help quell the sweltering summer heat. I decided to compile a list of summertime films that are more light-hearted (Dog Day Afternoon and Do the Right Thing had to stay behind) and three reasons why these films are worth a watch.

American Graffiti (1973)
Directed by George Lucas.
Written by George Lucas, Gloria Katz and Willard Huyck

Before heading off to college, high school graduates spend one final night of hijinks in a Southern California small town.

It’s a love letter to the 60’s. John’s (Paul Le Mat) ‘32 Deuce Coupé purrs beneath the night lights of a small town in the summer of ‘62, him awaiting the next sucker that challenges him to a race, cruising around for girls to take for rides as night flickers into dawn. American Graffiti is one of the ultimate summer movies and period pieces, telling the story of a group of teenagers one summer 1962 night in SoCal. It embodies the peak of car culture in America, where teenagers rumbled their Chevys at slow speeds down the streets with no destination and growly-voiced DJ Wolfman Jack taking requests and casting spells over the radio waves. It drips nostalgia, surrounding people in a simpler time that charms from beginning to end and, whether you are familiar with 60’s Americana or not, the film will make you fall in love for the first time or all over again.

The soundtrack is boss. Music is a constant in American Graffiti and serves as its own character. Arguably having some of the best series of songs in an American film and certified triple platinum upon its release, the soundtrack boasts 41 playful tunes and sizzles the screen with Fats Domino, Chuck Berry and The Crests howling catchy melodies as seconds tick and car engines boom. The music is irresistible and forces calm toes to wiggle and tap, often provoking the same kind of nostalgic flavor of grandparent’s spinning stories of the good ole’ days.
A charming cast. Young Richard Dreyfuss, Ron Howard and even Harrison Ford are among the players in the film and are extremely fun to watch. The actors give off bubbly performances that sweep you into their devil-may-care adventures, yet they can also seamlessly immerse themselves into subtle, understated emotions when the happy-go-lucky events take a turn into the painful reality of leaving friends and lovers behind in order to spark the next chapter of their lives.

Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
Written by Michael Showalter and David Wain. 

Directed by David Wain.

On the last day of camp in the summer of 1981, counselors address romances and unfinished business.

One of the best comedic ensemble casts. Debuting in 2001, Wet Hot American Summer wasn’t a big hit upon its initial release but quickly gained a cult following on home video due to its absurdist comedy. More interesting is the film has incredibly talented comedic actors at the top of their game before they were household names. Paul Rudd, Bradley Cooper, Amy Poehler and Elizabeth Banks to name a few that really nail the over-the-top acting and silliness–and is one of the first movies showcasing how naturally funny Paul Rudd is.

Absurdist gags at their best. It’s not a surprise that Wet Hot American Summer was not a big hit with audiences upon its release. The humor is very specific and appeals to a certain kind of audience. From a man dry-humping a refrigerator to a montage of the counselors going into town for groceries, escalating to them robbing an old lady and being strung out on heroin, then returning to camp cheering and smiling, the film cannonballs into the absurd, unapologetically and often. Once you embrace what it is, it’s a hilarious ride like nothing you’ve seen before.

It’s a great parody of 80’s summer camp films. The film can get away with bizarre gags because it’s a brilliant send-up of popular summer camp films of the 1980’s like Meatballs. Director David Wain has an excellent eye for cliché and takes that to extremes throughout like the entire cast being in their 30’s, but they play teenage camp counselors–a jab at Hollywood’s practice of casting people much older to play 16-year-olds. And as with most summer camp films, Camp Firewood seems to be a haven for the counselors to constantly ignore the kids– and pranks and bullying – with no consequence. There are points where counselors make out with each other while kids drown and scream for help behind them and then it’s just onto the next scene. This underlying darkness to many jokes make this one of my favorite comedies of all time.

Stand By Me (1986)
Directed by Rob Reiner.
Written by Raynold Gideon and Bruce A. Evans.

Four young friends set out on an adventure to find the body of a missing boy.
It has child characters that aren’t stupid. There aren’t many films that capture the experience of being a kid better than Stand By Me. The four main kids on a quest to see a dead body have different personalities, are relatable, and are not dumbed-down. There is an offensive practice in Hollywood films where children are portrayed as cardboard cutouts with no original thoughts or motivations, but this film builds living, meditative children who aren’t oblivious to the harsh reality that life prods at their noses. The kids have real human emotion and address themes such as death, child abuse and family dysfunction through smart, realistic dialogue bolstered by great performances.

Great child performances. It is hard to watch Stand By Me without the behind-the-scenes reality creeping in of River Phoenix’s tragic death of drug overdose at such a young age. The amazing performance he gives as Chris showcases the incredible talent he had for the craft and a true promise of a phenomenal career ahead had his life not been cut short. But it is not just River Phoenix that carries the film, Corey Feldman (Teddy), Wil Wheaton (Gordie) and Jerry O’Connel (Vern) inhabit their roles believably. When existential struggles surface, they react genuinely and evoke empathy because these are real kids dealing with real issues. Without the outstanding performances given by each child lead, the film would suffer and cross into something overly sentimental.

One of the definitive coming-of-age films. The boys in the film are at a crossroads in their life and despite the complexity/abrasiveness of their situation, they are still normal boys in an Oregon small town. The film is narrated by an adult Gordie Lachance (Richard Dreyfuss) writing his memoir, recounting the parable of childhood friends on an adventure to help emphasize that, despite the often gloomy subtext to the boy’s lives, nothing will ever feel as uncomplicated or innocent as your experiences with childhood friends because it predates the loss of innocence and the painful circumstances of adult life.

Adventureland (2009)
Written and Directed by Greg Mottola

A recent college graduate must abandon his plans for the future and take a summer job at a rinky-dink amusement park in the summer of 1987.

Every character feels real. People want to do the right thing, but they also make real-life mistakes, act selfish in their relationships and their personal lives, and learn from those actions. Where many other films try to overexploit emotional scenes or pigeonhole the morality of characters with dialogue over-explaining motivations, Director Greg Mottola respects his audience and shows raw emotion through subtle, surprising performances he draws from Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart and Ryan Reynolds. There is an authenticity to these characters that trickles across each frame.

One of the best soundtracks in recent memory. The film takes place in the summer of 1987, and instead of committing the tawdry choice of taking the most obvious, clichéd 80’s music and injecting it into the background, real music reflecting the era/culture of the time is used. Boasting a soundtrack of Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground, Husker Du and The Cure, the music is not only great to listen to but no song feels forced, and the music often carries scenes to a higher level, effectively bolstering mood and emotion without becoming a distraction. More interestingly, all of the unapologetically 80’s songs like “Rock Me Amadeus,” are used in an ironic fashion, the character’s often pointing out how tacky the “popular music” is—an almost meta-critique of clichéd period piece soundtracks.

It’s a relatable story. What makes this movie insanely re-watchable is the exploration of the uncertainty and issues young people experience. Where other films would tackle problems like alcoholism in a melodramatic light, they are portrayed through background shots, lines of dialogue and subtle performances. The film respects its audience by showing not telling. Alcoholism is addressed by a shot of Brendan’s (Jesse Eisenberg) father in the background blending a drink without the lid on or a bottle of vodka being found hidden underneath the seat of a car. A lesser film would derail these scenes explaining, but Adventureland doesn’t pause to point issues out, they just kind of exist, like in life, and this adds a depth to the film that rewards multiple viewings.

Dazed and Confused (1993)
Written and Directed by Richard Linklater.

Graduating and incoming high school students get into trouble on the last day of school in summer of 1976.

It knows what the 70’s were like. Despite being made in the 90’s, Director Richard Linklater’s depiction of the 1970’s is a true love letter to an era filled with kids hanging out in the back of an El Dorado’s truck bed while sipping beers and shooting the breeze. Each locale, hairstyle and song choice is pitch perfect and perfectly illustrates what it feels like graduating high school, and the friendships we potentially have to leave behind as we grow into adulthood.

Fun performances by stars before they were big. One of the more fun aspects of Dazed and Confused is seeing the cavalcade of celebrities on screen before they were household names and had Oscars sitting on their mantle. You get to see Ben Affleck as a paddle-swinging jock bully, Milla Jovovich as a free-spirited, groovy chick and most famously Matthew McConaughey as a loitering, ultra-creep that loves high school girls because “[he] get[s] older, they stay the same age. Yes they do.”

You don’t watch it, you live it. Linklater creates a film with an innate ability to capture real moments in an honest way with the simplicity of the narrative–high school kids hang out and get into trouble on the last day of school in May of 1976. These characters feel like people you know and share genuine experiences/dialogue, and pull you into their world instead of feeling like a spectator. You become a fly on the wall of a mellow summer night filled with friends, joints and an absence of smart phones or selfie sticks. It will make you feel like you’re living in the wrong era.

5 Must-See Independent Films

For this first list, I decided to narrow my choices to character studies exploring the darker, moody aspects of life and were made for a budget of less than 7 million dollars. Each film showcases the unique voices of indie directors and tell stories that captivate the human experience and resonate deeply.

Brick (2005)
Director: Rian Johnson

A highly stylized and gorgeous homage to 50’s noir films, Brick is unique from other less ambitious Indies and wickedly underrated. Considered the benchmark film for Joseph Gordon-Levitt as he broke into the more serious actor he is today, he plays Brendan, a teenager on the quest to investigate the sudden disappearance of his high school ex-girlfriend Emily (Emilie de Ravin); and a conspiracy of drugs and betrayal begin to unravel. Bursting with incredible cinematography evocative of Spaghetti Westerns, and essentially the modern lovechild of The Maltese Falcon with many references to be found, director Rian Johnson (Looper and upcoming Star Wars Episode VIII) truly employs every ingredient of his 500,000 dollar budget. It echoes a production value of a higher budgeted film with incredible orchestral music that tips its hat at the genre he is idolizing. But it is the compelling detective story that unfolds that truly sets it apart: the dialogue drips in machismo and the tone and overall peculiarity of the mystery strangles your attention. Levitt delivers an incredibly interesting performance of understated sadness and hunched-over stoicism as the lead (loosely based on Spike Siegel, the title character from Anime Cowboy Bebop). While Brick may alienate certain viewers unfamiliar with the noir genre, dismissing it for its on-the-nose dialogue and absence of realism misses the point entirely. A must-see for those who appreciate storytelling and pulpiness of a genre that has almost dimmed entirely into obscurity.

The Wrestler (2008)
Director: Darren Aronofsky

Many of us search for success in our lives. For those who have gained glory and lost it, what then gives our life meaning? Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson (Mickey Rourke), washed-up wrestler, seeks to reclaim his lost splendor and restore his relationship with his daughter Stephanie (Evan Rachel Wood) to gain a sense of purpose in The Wrestler. However, the road to recovery is paved with repentance, regret and low-paying backyard wrestling gigs in front of crowds no more than thirty. What makes The Wrestler compelling, above all else, is its innate ability to capture a man at his most desperate without teetering into melodrama. Filmed in a way that almost makes it look like a documentary, it chronicles the uniquely human search for redemption through fame, fortune, and in Randy’s case, second chances at stardom. The story acts as an allegory for Mickey Rourke’s own personal life and career—being a professional boxer himself and falling from the limelight—adding an unexpected complexity to the narrative. Director Darren Aronofsky’s steady fingers draw deeply personal, yet subtle pain from Rourke, flooding the screen with genuine emotion and one of the best performances in over a decade. Marisa Tomei and Evan Rachel Wood also provide excellent supporting acts that highlight the tragic, unflinching character flaws of Randy the Ram’s psyche. You root for him despite his continuous narcissistic choices and vicious cycle he thrusts upon himself that leave him loveless and alone, and it ultimately culminates in a beautifully metaphorical ending about our incessant drive for recognition as human beings.

American Splendor (2003)
Directors: Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini

Perhaps one of the most criminally overlooked films of the 2000’s, American Splendor surrounds the real-life story of file clerk by day and underground comic book creator by night: Harvey Pekar. Fictionally portrayed by Paul Giamatti (with real narration and interviews by Pekar himself cut between), the film captures the essence of a working class artist (Pekar) who wants comic books to illustrate the real life he experiences in Cleveland day-to-day, brushing elbows with heavy hitters in the underground comic industry like Robert Crumb along the way. What sets American Splendor apart from typical Hollywood biopics is the absence of gaudiness and grandiose set pieces often breathing within films of more well-known celebrities. There is a noticeable absence of Oscar-baiting, and it suits the story of Harvey Pekar quite brilliantly since he’s an artist, yet always an unapologetic, normal guy at heart. The film’s adherence to blunt realism in its storytelling—even having the film itself tiptoeing into the meta with real-life Pekar criticizing the film within itself—grounds the narrative and creates an authentic tone. This authenticity serves as a wonderful companion piece to Pekar’s autobiographical comics that focus on neo-realism rather than spandex-wearing supermen. The leap to make comics about ordinary life not only established Pekar as a visionary for the medium, but also attracted new voices and respect for comics as a non-fiction art form. Harvey is a man who doesn’t need nor want fame, strongly resisting the entertainment industry machine that sees him as the butt of a joke, and instead sticks to his roots despite offers to sell out. The film is in sync with his principles.


Blue Valentine (2010)
Director: Derek Cianfrance

Dean (Ryan Gosling) strums the strings of his ukulele to the pitter patter of Cindy’s (Michelle Williams) tap-dancing feet, singing “You Always Hurt the Ones You Love” by The Mills Brothers , frolicking among the hustle of New York City as they fall for each other. However, Blue Valentine is not a love story: it’s about the surrender of one’s heart to another and the emotional descent once we lose grasp of love. It is one of the most truthful, tragic depictions of a relationship crumbling and arguably features the best performance by Gosling to date, perfectly capturing a man who gives up his life for someone else and attempts to salvage the irreparable cracks within his relationship. The explicit realism carved into each frame, juxtaposing the couple falling in and out of love, and it’s deeply personal narrative smothers you with a constant sense of underlying dread, eventually leaving you to drown in uncertainty and hopelessness about the nature of love and marriage. The loss and desperation one feels clinging to unrequited love is perfectly illustrated through Gosling’s and Williams’ dialogue, painting heartbreak from both perspectives and the film rewards multiple viewings—often meaning something starkly different depending on the mindset you bring to it. Never for the faint of heart, always interesting, and an imperative viewing for those of us who embrace all facets of love, including the brooding darkness it may lead us to.


Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Director: Quentin Tarantino

A nonsensical title, a soundtrack dripping with 70’s coolness and quite possibly the strongest debut feature film of any American filmmaker, Reservoir Dogs single-handedly launched Quentin Tarantino’s visionary career and shook the branches of American independent filmmaking forever. Surrounding the aftermath of a botched diamond heist, robbers adorned in black suits and ties must sniff out who ratted them to the police, escaping to a hideout of an abandoned warehouse. The film works like a stage play in its structure, most of it taking place in one room with brief flashbacks to the past showing how they landed in such dire circumstances, allowing it to revel in its small budget and perfect screenplay possessing dialogue that is concise, realistic and darkly funny. Often imitated but never equaled (except maybe in Tarantino’s other films) the surviving thieves, nicknamed after colors to preserve their real-life identity, Mr. White, Mr. Pink and a severely wounded Mr. Orange question each other’s loyalty as the clock ticks and paranoia swells. Performances given by Harvey Keitel, newcomer-at-the-time Steve Buscemi and Tim Roth create a tension that billows, and the sadistic Mr. Blonde played by Michael Madsen is a psychopath so cool you can’t help but love him. Despite being Tarantino’s first feature film, every scene is threaded precisely and equal to a master filmmaker, yet he makes it look so effortless that it transcends belief. The film continues to influence and inspire. And, it must be said that the ear torture scene still makes me cringe. It never fails to profoundly entertain no matter how many times I watch it. A celebration of noir, grindhouse cinema, heist movies and pulp that points a finger in the face of pretension and earns its medal as one of America’s best films.

Hereditary (2018) - 100 WORDS OR LESS

Dir: Ari Aster

A highbrow haunted house movie. More homage to Rosemary’s Baby than Paranormal Activity, a genre aficionado’s horror film filled with slow-burning dread. It treads into familiar tropes while tweaking them to still feel fresh. Bound to divide audiences like Robert Egger’s The Witch, often appealing to a niche offshoot of horror fandom with use of symbolism, deliberate imagery, and sometimes labored pacing. Anguish, death, grief swells throughout, and is strengthened by one of the top performances of 2018 by Toni Collete. She brings tangible, deafening pain to scenes never once pulling emotional punches, merging the paranormal with genuine human grief. (8.5/10)

The Cheap Seats: Funimation's Ghostbusters (1986)

I watch it so you don't have to.

I have been introduced to a lot of decent obscure television thanks to Netflix, so I was very excited to see that under “NEW TV ARRIVALS” was a Ghostbusters cartoon show. Being a huge fan of the Ghostbusters films from the 80’s, I jumped at the opportunity to watch an animated series that I was unfamiliar with—I was only familiar with the 90’s cartoon. However, from the moment the opening credits of Ghostbusters: the Animated Series began, I noticed that something was not quite right. The changes are so subtle; a casual fan of the 1984 Bill Murray classic may not be able to notice the difference—although, a talking ape wearing a fedora might be your first clue. After seeing this character, I rigorously combed through both Ghostbusters films to make sure there was never a Magilla Gorilla-esque sidekick whom I might have just happened to forget. Long story short…there wasn’t. Even weirder, the team of Ghosbusters in this version have a living skeleton phone, an atomic high-five, and an enchanted jalopy. I was pretty sure that these elements of Ghosbusters: the Animated Series were not in the 80’sGhostbusters films, and upon a fifth and sixth viewing to clarify, I was 90% certain. These subtle changes enticed me to continue watching, and I decided to continue past the opening credits and watch the first episode of this animated series. I will summarize what I saw to spare anyone from the moral anguish caused by viewing this terrible program. Ahem.

Deep in the recesses of hell/another dimension/space, we are introduced to the villain of the show, Primeval, a robot (who is also a ghost) that wears a flamboyant, red, Dracula-inspired ensemble—by flamboyant I mean it literally has flames on it…and is very gay. Equipped with a church organ that can travel through time (I’m not making this up), his apparent motive is to take over Earth—but only in the 1980’s—with the help of fellow ghost robots, ghosts, and other creatures of the night. It is pretty safe to say that this villain might be the first true indicator that this show has nothing to do with the 1980’s Ghostbusters films, but who knows, still time for some familiar faces like Dr. Peter Venkman ,Egon, or Slimer to pop up. Primeval proclaims that nobody would be dumb enough to try and stop ghosts, thus his plans for world-domination are fail-safe. He was wrong. Why a time/dimension/space traveling robot-ghost would want to conquer Earth is beyond my understanding, let alone Earth in the 80’s—perhaps he has a cocaine addiction. There has to be cooler planets, or at least a cooler era out there to conquer. I’m assuming all the other planets don’t have competitive eating competitions, which make Earth such a supreme candidate.

The Ghostbusters team is comprised of a flamboyant version of a prohibition-era gangster (seems to be a re-occurring theme here) and a pool hall junkie wearing a neutral sports jersey—I suppose he’s rooting for sports in general, all the while hanging out in an abandoned mine. These two men are trying to instill the discipline and know-how of the Ghostbusters upon their two idiot sons, Jake and Eddie, one of which looks extremely similar to the Roger from 101 Dalmations; maybe he lost his mind after caring for all those unruly puppies. Before anyone has time to explain anything that’s going on, the two bumbling sons experience their first foe…a robot ghost on a rocket-powered handcar? Apparently, in this universe, ghost robots are a big threat because they are not transparent, floating, or particularly spooky, they just cluck like chickens and ineffectively attack people whilst on handcars. How does one defeat a robot ghost? By dematerializing them with a “Dematerializer” of course—a weapon that has the power of destroying matter and, in the wrong hands, the Earth. Now, if this small, independently-run ghostbusting organization has access to this kind of weaponry, there has to be some sort of government task force trying to put these men in prison forever, especially if these “ghostbusters” allow these unspeakably dangerous weapons to be operated by inexperienced family members who are as intelligent birthday clowns. These people are simply not responsible enough to carry and handle weapons of such magnitude. That aside, the bumbling sons shoot it everywhere, missing the robot-ghost, destroying most of the mine. Then they pull out another, less-effective gun, which appears to just shoot out used gum. Needless to say, both guns prove ineffective. Luckily, the pool hall junkie Dad realizes that simply tossing some metal on the mine-tracks will stop the robot-ghost’s handcar and render him completely helpless—truly an enemy worth firing a gun at with the potential to destroy the entire universe. The ghost is quickly disposed of with the dematerializer and another Ghostbuster victory is had. Or is it?

Primeval returns to butt heads with the Ghostbusters, but he is ineffective due to his stuttered speech and the fact that he hisses at his enemies like a cat. However, the Ghosbusters still must flee after they discover Primeval is impervious to their dematerializer, leading to a chase in which Primeval—accompanied by some awkward smooth jazz—shoots out some energy beams from his hands that apparently just make objects warmer. Fortunately for the Ghostbusters, they find a hatch-door in the mine and lead Primeval into it, then shut it behind him trapping him inside. Since robot ghosts cannot go through walls, Primeval is defeated and annoyed. To make things worse, a weird floating fart-propelled slug rat emerges from behind a wall eager to befriend Primeval and he facepalms accordingly. The Ghostbusters decide to wash their hands of Primeval, reasoning that nobody will go into this mine for another 100 years, thus he is no longer a problem. And it actually works out that way. He is trapped in the room for over 100 years with the flying slug-rat thing as his only companion. They have a very abusive relationship. It probably took minutes for them to start fooling around with each other.

Fortunately for Primeval, there is a flying bat pig… that looks suspiciously familiar (a blatant rip-off of Piglet from Winnie-the-Pooh) outside the hatch door, and he overhears Primeval and the slug rat bickering. Bat pig decides to open the hatch for them, thinking they are fellow bat pigs. Oh bother, this is not the case. Primeval escapes, meanly dismissing the bat pig. He dusts the cobwebs off his church organ with the slug rat and plays his heart out all the way back to another dimension to recuperate and devise a plan to settle the score with the Ghostbusters. Little does he know, the bat pig has hitched a ride on his organ in an attempt to stop his future—or should I say past?—wrong-doings. I’m not really sure about which time period he travels to, but who the hell cares?

Meanwhile, Eddie and Jake Sr. are continuing to train their two sons, Eddie and Jake Jr., introducing them to all the components of their ghostbusting headquarters. Their entire headquarters is comprised of skeleton-based furniture and appliances, and even creepier, they also happen to be alive. For some reason however, the skeleton furniture is really reluctant to help out the Ghostbusters (I suspect many years of abuse), always being tricksters, throwing pies in faces, and generally not doing their jobs. This subversive and unproductive behavior by the furniture and appliances could all be solved by buying regular, inanimate appliances and furniture, but I guess it never occurs to them to stop frequenting the Ikea of the Undead. I imagine their wise-cracking “Skelephone” is responsible for losing many potential customers since it seems more interested in hanging up on callers than doing its job; this applies to the Skelevision and the Skelecabinet as well. The two sons are then introduced to an important part of the ghostbusting team, a talking, hat-wearing, gun-inventing ape named Tracy. With the collective aid of these many elements, the Ghostbusters are almost a mild threat against evil.

In his lair which he has aptly named “Hauntquarters,” Primeval gathers a ragtag team of the most feared ghost/monsters the universe has to offer. Yet, since most of the classic monsters of yesteryear are copyrighted, he has to settle for extremely shitty B-List rip-offs instead, such as: Werewolf of the future, a werewolf that is also from the future; Mysteria-Mistress of mists (she can control mist?); Sir Trance-a-lot, a bad knight to one and all (I wasn’t quite sure what his power was besides shooting fog out of his lance); Aparitia, a sorceress of unmentioned power (not unmentionable, just unmentioned; she never explains what she can actually do); The Hunter, a hunter of haunted prey and a possessor of a speech impediment; and the Musical Maestro of Fright, a conductor who can conjure up spirits and boredom. Last but not least, my personal favorite, Long John Scarecrow, who looks nothing like a pirate or a scarecrow, but apparently he patrols the seven galaxies sort of like a pirate, but nothing like a scarecrow. With the help of this cavalcade of mediocrity, Primeval may or may not prove to be a mild threat as well.

Primeval sends Mysteria and Maestro to kidnap the fathers of Jake and Eddie using a magic bone flute that levitates them out of bed (it sounds dirtier than it is), unbeknownst to their two sons. The next morning, a local news reporter, Jessica (a rip-off of April O’ Neil) is interviewing Eddie about their organization, claiming to not believe in ghosts, despite a ghost very unsubtly clapping trashcan lids behind her on several occasions to the point where it doesn’t make any sense for her to not believe in them. This entire scene has background music that sounds like those Contra 3 stages with the overhead view. It’s really bizarre and unfitting, and I’m unsettled by the fact that I remember this music.

Afterward, Eddie sees Jake watching the Skelevision, which can apparently foresee the future, a dark future where Primeval has enslaved the universe with the help of Mysteria’s…ahem…evil mists. Tracy, the ape that makes pancakes and invents, goes to alert their two fathers and discovers they have been kidnapped. Meanwhile, the Skeledrawer (who now can talk) pops out some yellow book with a ghost logo on it. Even more amazing, Eddie reads off a non-existent title THE GHOSBUSTERS INSTRUCTION MANUAL: HOW TO BUST A GHOST. I suppose this would not be as weird if there was even one semblance of a word or scribble on the front cover to justify reading such a long title off of it, but alas, only a picture of a ghost. Anyway, Jake and Eddie begin to familiarize themselves with everything ghostbusting-related through this magic manual that the Skeledrawer appears to have created just then.

Eddie—being the clumsy idiot that he is—stumbles over a pot and pulls on a knight’s armor to reveal the “secret transformation room”, a room with a skeleton elevator that travels to a timeless space hell. This hellish place devoid of time and space is occupied by giant, terrifying, and grotesque demon heads screaming in anguish, which for some reason is less scary to them than a tiny, unthreatening robot ghost on a handcar. A giant robot arm with no apparent source grabs them from the elevator, and a giant skeleton foot (also with no source) throws them onto a conveyor belt made of human bones. Jake happily and inappropriately whistles throughout this entire process like it is as normal as picking up the morning paper. This entire macabre process is strictly to clothe them in wacky outfits and drop them into their time-traveling jalopy…that’s it. Why must they experience such a traumatizing ordeal in order to have a jacket put on them and enter their car? On top of this nonsense, their jalopy is alive, talks, flies around, and sort of sounds like Don Knotts with a stutter. I think almost every character may have a stutter on this show, except Long John Scarecrow because he is supreme chancellor of badassery. With the aid of wormholes, Jake, Eddie, and Tracy use the jalopy to travel to the future to stop Primeval and his cronies.

This was all in the pilot. It was almost like they tried to cram everything that kids like into one cartoon, with some small terrifying parts spliced between. After viewing the entire episode, I was almost positive that this show has nothing to do with the 1984 Ghostbusters film, but the changes are so subtle…who can ever really be sure?